Dear Hybrid-Haters:

Attention all hybrid-haters out there. Yes, I'm talking to you there in the truck you use to compensate for your other *ahem* shortcomings in life. I'm also talking to the ricer over there in the mid-90's Honda Civic. Do you enjoy tailgating me? Do you really think you look cool? Are you really so asinine as to think that just because I drive a hybrid car, it means I have less (insert random trait here)?

In what universe does spending thousands of dollars for suspension and tires that will never see any off-road use equate to some mystical increase in imaginary social clout?

And explain to me please, any ignorami to whom these words reach, how it makes one iota of sense to spend money to circumvent a hundred years of automotive engineering by making your car louder. Since everyone else has apparently been lying to you, allow me to pull the wool from your glazed eyes. It does not make your car sound "tough" or "strong." In fact, the closest audible comparison I can make is to that of a radio-controlled toy.

I'll just sit here and mourn my poor, substandard, stock mid-size hybrid.


If you would now please take some notes about the lame hybrid that I drive (I'm serious. Write this down, as I seriously doubt you have the mental capacity to recall anything I'm about to say.) and brace yourself for actual, *gasp* cited facts about my automobile upon which you so love to cast your adolescent derision. I'll start with the less-impressive details so that you can attempt to shake loose the cobwebs that have taken root in your cranial cavity.

• My car won the 2010 North American Car of the Year Award^[1] That means that based on input from industry experts, an impartial panel of professional judges agreed that my car was better than every. other. car. including yours.
• It was included in the IIHS Top Safety Picks, and was the only mid-size hybrid to make the list (apart from the classier-but-identical Mercury Milan hybrid).^[2]
• My car doesn't have an "instrument display," it has dual 4.3 inch high-resolution full color in-dash LCD displays that constantly change to tell me everything about the car in real-time. Booyah. 21^st century, baby.^[3]
• Electric power steering and adaptive traction control.
• Combined city/hwy 47 mpg.
• World record holder for longest distance traveled on one tank of gas at 1,445^[4] miles. Yes, that's one and a half thousand.
• It does not have a traditional, geared transmission. It employs an eCVT (electronic continually-variable transmission) to offer infinite gear ratio combinations. Because there is no need to shift, acceleration is constant and the car can go from maximum efficiency to maximum torque output instantaneously.
• Clocked from 0-60 mph in 8.6 seconds.
• Sports 120 mph top speed (electronically governed)
• The car offers 117 ft-lbs torque, stock. That's more than your ricer, and because it is being passed through an electric motor, the full amount is available instantaneously and at any rpm. You'd have to rev your Honda Civic up to 4,300^[5] before you could approach that level of torque.
• Total horsepower? 274. Your civic offers what? 140, but it's even less than that, really, since you have to achieve 6500 rpm first^[6].

But please, tell me again about how much more "MAD TOTES KEWL" your car is than mine. Go ahead, I'll wait right here with my friend Kokiamba Givesnofucks:



Now, to make a long story short, stop driving like an elitist ass around me. You have no idea what my car is capable of, and were I willing to posture about like the adolescent peacock you are, I would happily educate you firsthand.



You may now leave your hateful comments below.
Bring on the flame war.